what are you aiming for?

Back in January I decided to document the boys individually each day.  I started taking a photograph of Crews and Tate separately and putting them on Instagram using a specific hashtag for them.  You may have seen others doing this as well.  I actually got the idea from one of my favorite photographers.  I didn't do so well with documenting their firsts.  Or keeping their baby books updated.  And a lot of the pictures I have of them from their first year are of them together. So, I wanted to switch things up for this year.  And, looking back, I am so thankful I chose to do it!  It is so sweet to glance back through their pictures and see a snapshot of our year.  I absolutely love it.  I'm not sure that it will continue next year, in fact it probably won't, but I'm grateful for this year that has been documented daily.

Well, do you know what number today is?  

265.  

That's right.  We have one hundred days until 2013 is complete.  As this number has been approaching, I've been mulling over what I want the last one hundred days of this year to look like.  I want my life to be intentional.  I want to live each day with meaning.  I don't want to look back and think that I wasted one second.  That doesn't mean that my life has to be busy.  It means that there are healthy margins, that there are lazy days, that there is plenty of time to read books and swing and go for walks on top of working hard.  I know that life always gets crazy with the holidays coming.  And now, with the new website launching, it's going to be even crazier.  

But, instead of succumbing to the chaos, I was to embrace it intentionally.

And, I always find it funny the way God reiterates His point to me.  Last week in BSF my lecture leader made the statement, "If you call yourself a woman of God you must be intentional about asking what you're doing with your days and why you're doing it".  That has come to mind over and over during the past two weeks.  What AM I doing with my days?  And WHY am I doing it?

And, then, God reiterated it again on Sunday.  During part of the sermon, our pastor asked us what makes for a successful life.  He asked the question, "if you don't know what you think a successful life is, how can you aim for it?".  He encouraged us to take the time to make our list of what would make a successful life.  Then, he proceeded to give his list.  And honestly, his list seems right on point.  I can't imagine a better list.  So, I thought I would share it with you.

1.  A personal relationship with Jesus that is real

2.  An enjoyable marriage

3.  A great relationship with my kids

4.  The work of my hards being blessed

5.  Enjoying all the God's created for us to enjoy

This was just a portion of his sermon in which he talked about "The Secret Place".  He referenced Matthew 6 and the three things Jesus tells us should be done privately (or without trying to be noticed).  Giving to the needy, praying and fasting (or sacrificing things to draw closer to Him).  Then, he continued to tell us that outward success is dictated by what goes on in our secret life.  My favorite point of the sermon was this:  "When we see someone's life is successful we can be assured that they are spending time in The Secret Place".  When they are successful, as well as their home and their marriage, the relationship they have with their kids and the work of their hands, it is all because they are spending time in The Secret Place.  

Okay, I've gotten a little off track.  Sorry.  Once I got started, I couldn't stop telling you about the sermon!

Back to what I'm aiming for.  If I want to have a life that is successful, I have to figure out what I'm aiming for and then I have to intentionally pursue that with my days.

And now, I have one hundred days.  To finish out this year.  And I don't know about you, but I want to finish strong.  

Step one, I'm ordering this book.  

What are you aiming for?
And what steps are you taking to make it happen?

project 52.48

feisty.

Wow.  Y'all are becoming more and more feisty.  

You have been since Day One but as you've gotten older you have definitely honed the skill of fighting for what you want.  I guess it's just a natural thing since you've gotta share with someone else every.single.second.  

Feisty is good.  

But, sometimes I get glimpses of what my days are going to consist of for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS.  

And I proceed to curl up in a fetal position and pull the sheets over my head and pretend that it will always be easy like when y'all would lay in the same place that I put you and coo and giggle all while looking adorable and thinking I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  

Kidding.  

But, I'd say this picture accurately describes what life is going to look like for a while.  You both wanted the lawnmower.  Ignoring the fact that we have THREE lawnmowers for you to play with, you both NEEDED that one.  So, a fight broke out.  All out war.  

And, as I watched from afar all I could do was smile.  Well and grab my camera so I could snap a picture.  Life is going to be hard as a twin.  As exciting and special as it is, it will also come with difficulties.  

But, obviously your feisty little spirits are up for the challenge!

project 52.47

fearless.

I figured out while we were at the beach that y'all are absolutely fearless.  You run straight to the "mine" (the word both of you use for water - so strange but sweet :)).  You take off sprinting as soon as your feet hit the sand and once you hit the water, you keep on running.  You don't want to hold someone's hand.  You don't want to be stopped.  

And honestly?  It was exhausting because it meant someone had to be right on your heels every second.   And it was even scary at times because if I took my eyes off you for one second, you were headed into the water.  

But, even more than both of those things, it was amazing.  

To see your eyes light up when you took off running.

To hear your squeals of delight when your feet touched the cold water.  

To watch you laugh when the waves came crashing towards you. 

It.was.pure.joy.

It is so representative of how I want life to be with y'all.  I am so, so glad that you are fearless.  God did not create His people to be timid and worried.  And I am so thankful that already you are embracing this life that you've been given.  For you (and for me) it is going to be exhausting at times.  And scary.  Just like it was at the beach.  But, so much more than that, it's going to be pure joy.  

I want to embrace this life fearlessly with you.  

Not holding you back by worry or fear.  

But instead, encouraging you and watching you live.

project 52.44

scary.

In the past month I have come across two different articles that talked about raising brave boys.  Both spoke straight to my heart.   One referred to so many of the "heros" of the Bible.  The brave souls that were willing to step up and say, "Here I am, Lord".  To be used by God to do scary things.  The author mentioned something I've never really thought about.  

All of these boys had mamas.  

I know God can use anyone, regardless of how they were raised or what their personalities are. But, the point was that these boys were raised by mamas (and daddies) who influenced their lives.  

How am I influencing y'alls lives?

My goal is that you both will become men that are willing to be used by God to do whatever He has called you to do.  Even if it's uncomfortable.  Even if you might fail once or twice.  Even if it's scary.

But, as your mama, that requires two things from me:

1.  That I am brave.  I must set the example.  I must show you what it looks like to trust God fully.  Stepping outside of my comfort zone to do what He has called me to do.  Even if it seems crazy.  And even if it's going to make me give up things I don't want to give up.  I want you to grow up with that being your normal.  Seeing your parents listening intently to what God is asking them to do and immediately doing what He asks.

2.  It also requires me to let go of fear.  In the weeks following your birth I remember praying specifically that if God wanted to use you in Kenya one day (or any other place for that matter) that I would be excited for you.  That I would be willing to let go.  Not holding you back from what God is calling you to do.  I prayed that.  Very specifically.  On multiple occasions.  But, as time has gone on, I have realized it is becoming harder and harder to imagine you coming home one day and telling me you're moving halfway across the world because it is where God has called you to be.  But, I am committed.  To letting go of that fear.  And being excited for you.  For what God is going to do through you.

So, now, here it is in writing.  For you to hang over my head in eighteen years :)  

No, but really, I am so so excited to see what God has in store for both of your lives.  I can't wait to see how He uses you to do incredible things.  I will do my best to be an example of a brave disciple of Jesus and I will pray daily that God will give me the ability to release you into His care.  Knowing that He can take better care of you than I will ever be able to.

project 52.43

unexplainable.

It's strange what happens when you became a mama.  It's like you become this person you never knew you were.  My mama used to do things that I couldn't even understand.  Like staying up all night making Easter outfits and cleaning up puke without flinching.  And here I am.  Doing just that.  

We been sick around here again this week.  Tate, you woke up in the middle of the night a couple days ago and I came into the nursery to give you a paci.  When you wouldn't take it, I picked up up to rock you.  As soon as I picked you up, you puked all over me.  Then, today, I walked in after nap time and Crews, you were picked up and taken straight to the tub.  Throw up was all over your crib.  

And really, it's just what you do once you become a mama.  You don't think twice about it.  You immediately pull that sick baby out of their crib and allow them to nestle into you.  Even when it's stinky or dirty.  You want to care for them with every ounce of your being.  You want them to feel loved and cared for.  Safe and comfortable.  

I read a blog post today and at one point the author said:

"I laid down me to make more of you and it wasn’t a sacrifice but the unexpected grace of motherhood"

And that's just it.  

I don't force myself to be this way.  I don't even make the choice not to mind throw up and losing sleep (which if you know anything about me, you know sleep is precious in my eyes).  

It's just who I am now.  It's the unexpected grace of motherhood.  And I am oh, so thankful that I can experience life this way.

project 52.42

saturated.

Lately my days have been filled to the brim.

With joy.  With laughter.  With love. 

I am so incredibly blessed to be your mama.  And I want to soak in every single one of these days.  Last night you were exhausted, Tate.  And Crews, you were giggly.  We went into your nursery for your bedtime routine and it was my most favorite part of yesterday.  It was exactly what I envisioned my life to be like as a mama.  You both nursed and then Crews, you climbed up in Daddy's lap for prayers.  Tate, you slowly gave in to your exhaustion in my arms.  Crews, you giggled throughout the entire prayer while poking Daddy in the face.  And Tate, you slowly sank your little body into my arms and began to breathe deeply.  

After prayers we continued to linger in your room.  It was as if both of us realized that these moments are fleeting.  I want to hold tight these moments where I can feel what I was created to be.  Where I can fully soak it in and recognize just how incredibly blessed I am.

project 52.41

mushy.

This whole being a mom thing has totally turned me into a ball of emotions.  

It has been such a beautiful process.  So difficult to put into words.

And, although so much else has and will continue to define me, mother will forever be my favorite part of who I am.  The two of you have created a new person in me.  I see things differently.  Process things differently.  Feel things differently.  

More deeper.  More passionately.  More fully.

I looked at the two of you in your daddy's lap last night, as we read a bible story, and I was taken aback by this overwhelming emotion.  This is my life.  You three have my heart.  And I am so eternally grateful for this opportunity.  This blessing.  To be your mother. 

I'm afraid I will be mushy from now on out.  But it is worth every second of being mushy to know that I can feel like this.  And that I can love like this.

Thank you for this gift.

project 52.40

growing.

It's so crazy how quickly time has flown by.  I have absolutely loved y'all being little. And, with you being preemies, I got to enjoy you being itty bitty for a little longer than most.    But now, y'all are starting to get big!  So, big that we had to finally get rid of the mullets {oh my gosh, why did we wait so long?}.  

It's hard to believe.  I didn't think it would be as bittersweet for me as it has been.  I have truly loved every second of both of your sweet little lives.  And it's so hard to fathom that the next stage of life could be any better than the one we are currently in.  Then, I am blown away when I am even more in love with you the next day.  I can't wait to continue being blown away by how much more I can love and enjoy y'all than I ever thought possible.  

project 52.32

bittersweet.

You turned a year old yesterday.

A year.

It's so bittersweet.  

I want you to stay little. 

It's hard to imagine that anything could be better than this first year.  

So I don't want to give it up.

But I also know that each day has gotten sweeter with you.

I have fallen more in love.  

I have loved watching you thrive.

Developing and growing.

Becoming you.

So I look forward to the next year.  Knowing in my head that this year will be just as amazing if not better.  But having to convince my heart, as it longs to stay in this first precious, perfect year.

Happy 1st Birthday Crews and Tate!

Y'all are a year old.

And I am in shock.

I absolutely can not believe that it has been a year.

Since my life was changed.
My world was rocked.
And my understanding of love was deepened further than I knew possible.

I can't believe it has been a year since I met these two sweet faces.

 Crews Joels

2 lb 15 oz

5:48 am

Tate McKennly

4 lb 5 oz

6:01 am

Over the last year I have laughed more and cried more.
Slept less and learned to appreciate life more than I ever have before.
I fallen deeper in love with the two of you every second of the last 365 days.

You have changed my life.

You have made parts of me come alive that I never knew existed.

Thank you for making me a mom.

project 52.30

adored.

I adore this.  

This time spent with yall.  

It won't be long before you're no longer interested in being only in my lap.  So, I'm going to soak it up. Your Uncle Colby was holding one of you, but you weren't having it.  So, he handed you over and decided he needed to see what was go great about being in my lap, too.

I want to soak up these moments.  

Hold you just a little tighter. 

And hold you just a little longer.  

missing daddy.

Since Jordan broke his arm, he has not been able to do much with the boys.  They are squirmy.  So it is quite the challenge to hold them with just one arm.  They want to play and move and bounce.  

He typically holds them each for a few minutes each day because he can't stand not to have some sort of contact with them.  During these few minutes it is so obvious how much Jordan misses the boys and just how much they miss him.

I took these the other day while they were playing.

 Tate and Jordan

Crews and Jordan

project 52.24

fast.

It's so hard to believe that we're at this stage already!  I looked up the other day and Tate, you were in the kitchen.  I feel like you were both just little preemies whose clothes were too big and who slept all the time.  And now, both of you are crawling all over the place.  You're into everything.  It's total chaos here most days.  You're eating shoes or trying to stick your fingers in outlets.  You're pulling on cords and pulling up on the coffee table.  

I'm so excited as you reach each milestone.  But I'm also a little sad to leave each stage.  It all just goes by so quickly.  I keep thinking, "Am I enjoying this?" and "Everyone says babies grow up in the blink of an eye, so don't blink!  Savor this".  And, just when I think I'm really savoring it, you go on and reach another milestone.  And, I realize that no matter how much I try to savor each moment, they do go by so quickly. 

I'll keep trying to enjoy every single second.

And I'll keep trying to make you understand that shoes are not teething toys.

And I'll keep trying to keep you from getting electrocuted.  You can thank me for this when you're older.

itty bitty.

I came across this picture of Crews tonight.  

It was the first time I got to hold him.  

 Look how tiny he was!

So thankful he's getting big. 

individuals.

As the boys start to get a little older I'm starting to realize this Parents of Twins thing will be challenging.  I am honestly not too caught up on milestones.  I want the boys to thrive, don't get me wrong.  But I am also not up in arms if they aren't sitting up or crawling at a certain number of months. 

 It has proven to be good that I'm not overly stressed about these things since they are preemies but honestly they've been developing well, so it's not been hard to be low key about things. But, I'm sure this will get more difficult. 

What has been difficult is separating them as individuals for other people.  People ask if "they" are crawling or if "they" are teething and want a yes or no answer.  Not, "Well, Crews is starting to crawl but Tate isn't as interested."  Or, "Tate is getting another tooth and I haven't seen a new one for Crews lately."  That's too much detail.  They want yes or no.

And, honestly, I've found it most challenging to make sure people see that I love the boys equally.  That sounds weird.  But it's true.  People see twins as very "tit for tat".  If I say something about Crews, I have to say something about Tate.  And visa versa.  If I post a picture of Crews, I have to post a picture of Tate.  Yesterday's blog post was pictures of Tate.  Only Tate.  So today...pictures of Crews.  

But I want them to realize that they are two individual people.  I want to raise them as individuals.  I want them to look back and see pictures of just them.  By themselves or with me or their daddy.  Without their brother.  And not in the exact same setting just a different baby.  

I know children have to be parented differently.  Based on their personalities and their needs.  I pray that God gives me the strength to be the mom I need to be to both of them.  To meet their individual needs and to love them as individuals.  

project 52.19

confirmed.

A portion of this week has been spent with nasty colds.  Yes, in June.  

And, although I have hated seeing both of you with runny noses, bad coughs, and pitiful, watery eyes, I have also realized how much I love the role of Mom.  

I always worried about sleepless nights.  If anyone knows me, they know I love my sleep.  And there's not a lot that can keep me awake when I am ready to go to bed.  But, it's so interesting.  As soon as I knew you were not feeling well, all else went by the wayside (including my love of sleep).  I was constantly checking on you when we laid you down to go to sleep for the night.  And, I was up at odd hours rocking one of you when you woke up and had trouble breathing because of your congestion. And when I finally got both of you to sleep, I laid down and just laid there.  Wide awake.  Listening to make sure you were both okay.  

After about ten minutes of that, I realized I couldn't stand it.  I set up camp.  In your room.  I brought my pillow and blanket and laid in the glider.  Any time one of you became restless and frustrated because you were coughing or having trouble getting comfortable, I was up and leaning over your crib trying to soothe you the best I knew how.  Rubbing your back and whispering sweet things to you with my face close to yours. 

It's strange that these few days and nights have been so sad because I hate for you to be sick. But, at the same time, so rewarding for me.  

Even the times when y'all are sick make me aware of just what I was created to do.

It's as if my soul has realized, once again, that I am right.where.I.need.to.be.  

project 52.17

difficult.

This life with y'all is so.much.fun.  

But, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't also say that sometimes it's difficult.  Sometimes it is stressful.  Sometimes (okay, lots of times) I am worn-slap-out.  

I'll just give you the most recent one of the more recent events (because I would probably have to post this immediately in order for it to be the most recent.  Often these difficult events happen back to back to back).

On Wednesday we went to a children's museum for the first time.  We went to Marbles  with our friends we meet up with every Wednesday.  After our friends left to make it home in time for naps, we went to the nursing room so y'all could eat.  Problem number one.  Both of you were hungry.  Neither of you wanted to stay in the stroller.  In order to keep you calm, I carried you both while pushing the empty, giant, jogging stroller.  We get to the nursing room and the jogging stroller wouldn't even fit into the room without rearranging the furniture.  So, we rearrange the furniture just enough to fit the stroller (with all our crap in it - so it had to come in with us) in the tee-tiny room and shut the door.  Then, I'm stuck behind the stroller.  I climb over the stroller holding both of you.  

I finally get around and situated and start nursing Tate while Crews calms down enough to sit in the stroller (haven't quite figured out tandem nursing without my twin nursing pillow).  All is going well until Crews gets upset.  So, I finish with Tate and lay a blanket down on the rug and place Tate on it while I change Crews' diaper.  After changing his diaper he is so fired up and ready to eat that I don't worry about putting his clothes back on, I decide to go ahead and feed him first.  

While feeding Crews, I see Tate start to roll over from his stomach to his back and it looks like he's going to land off the blanket and off the rug.  I quickly try to grab him and I'm a millisecond too late.  His head bangs on the tile floor and he starts crying hysterically. 

So, I sit Crews beside me in the glider while I try to calm Tate down.  Naked Crews falls over in the glider and starts trying to latch on to my back and I can't get him up because Tate is going ballistic! It was  quite the sight.  Finally we get everyone calmed and clothed and squeeze ourselves out of the nursing room and go along our merry way.  We better get going because we're going to be doing it all over again in 2 1/2 hours!

So, although everything is rainbows and butterflies most of the time, there are definitely times that are difficult and stressful and make me "need a moment".  

But...I wouldn't have it any other way. I love it.  All of it.  

Just another thing you're teaching me.

To appreciate the blessings in the difficult moments and find beauty in the imperfect.

thankful.

so thankful that i get to be the mom of these two sweet boys.

crews joel

tate mckennly