project 52.29

terrifying.

The way you have rocked my world is a beautiful, terrifying thing.

Yesterday we went to eat lunch with friends at Jason's Deli.  Right after we got lunch started, they announced that we had to evacuate the restaurant because it was on fire.  It became quite chaotic.  A nice employee came over and offered to help me with getting outside.  She offered to start rolling Crews outside (the high chairs there are on wheels) with our friends and my friend, Crystie, offered to roll you, Tate.  Just while I grabbed all of our stuff.  I was a little uneasy about the employee taking Crews but figured since I could keep an eye on her rolling him out, that it would all be okay.  Plus, hello, the restaurant was on fire.  And people were running all over the place.  So, I watched her roll Crews out and she came back in and told me she had left him at the table with our friends. 

I got outside and once I got there, realized there was actually only one baby at our table.  I turned in a circle a couple of times and realized I was missing a baby.  I panicked.  I dropped everything and took off running around the front of the building (I will never, ever forget that Meg also dropped everything and started sprinting across the parking lot).  As soon as I turned the corner, I ran straight into Crystie rolling you out in your high chair.

Immediately, I burst into tears.  Like hysterical tears.  Crystie looked up, completely confused about what was going on.  Then, she realized I was worried you were missing.  We walked back to our table through a tunnel of people staring at what just happened.  While I continued to sob.  

I could not stop shaking for the next thirty minutes.

I always knew that it must be super scary for a parent to lose a child in Walmart or at the park.  I would see it happen and I could tell there was a scared look in their eyes.  I imagined it must feel terrible.

I never imagined it would be so terrifying.

I never imagined I could feel fear so heavy.  So real.  So deep.

Fear in my soul.

Using the word traumatic to describe the day would probably be an understatement.

I have burst into tears several times since. 

I've never been more thankful for the four of us to be under one roof as I was last night.

This love I have for you is a beautiful, terrifying thing.